Thoughts on Fatherhood for Father's Day

I believe that being a good dad ultimately comes down to one ability we all have readily at our disposal but often find it difficult to summon the way we should

As a father myself, writing about Father’s Day and fatherhood is not an easy task. Any father who is honest with himself has wrestled with what it means to be a good father, and achieve that goodness, in their own lives; the answers are not always as simple as they probably should be.

Fatherhood really shouldn’t be as complicated as our society makes it, because at the end of the day, fatherhood (and motherhood) comes down to one ability that we all have readily at our disposal: to love our children unconditionally and to show that love in our words and deeds.

But that’s too often the rub because, as men, our instincts, and the ways in which society has conditioned us, are not often conducive with the showing of love. We have a well-founded reputation for keeping our feelings and emotions hidden from public view, even within our own families. Whether a reflection of genetics or the ways in which our patriarchal society has evolved, it’s not a good thing when it comes to fulfilling our core mission as fathers.

Expressing love also goes hand in hand with exposing our own vulnerabilities, something else that doesn’t come naturally to many of us. To love someone is by extension to make yourself vulnerable to that person, for love is a two-way, mutually dependent street. As men, I believe we “feel” love as greatly as women (or nonbinary individuals), but to “show” it means to also make ourselves vulnerable, and society has unfortunately equated vulnerability with weakness, which is kryptonite to the male ego.

As fathers, we often get caught up with the other expectations and pressures that go along with the job: providing for our family (not just their needs but their wants), teaching our children right from wrong, disciplining them as necessary, and guiding them on the “right” path.

And to be sure, all these things are expressions of the love we feel for our children. But in the process, it’s often easy to overlook the importance of making sure they feel that love on a daily basis, even when we’re tough with them or displeased with their choices.

And, of course, love also means giving them the freedom to become their own person, with identities and dreams separate from our own. Another temptation we all face is the desire to mold our children in our own image, or whatever image we envision for them. If we love sports, we want them to love sports; if we hold particular religious or political convictions, we want them to as well. But ultimately, we have to trust that the love we both feel and show for our children, and the examples we set with our own conduct and choices, will help put them on the path that is right for them, one that leads ultimately to the only destination that really counts, happiness.

The one thing I hope that all fathers understand both on Father’s Day and all days is that fatherhood is not an exercise in perfection. Fathers can be hard on themselves, second-guessing their decisions and actions, beating themselves up for missteps, unfairly blaming themselves for the things that go wrong in the lives of their children (things go wrong in everyone’s life, for reasons that often have nothing to do with parenting). It would be a wonderful thing if everyone who becomes a father had a chance to do so again after their first child or children are full-grown, so that they could apply all the lessons they learned, and avoid all the mistakes that were made, along their first parenting journey. But those situations are rare. We typically have to learn as we go and live with whatever mistakes were made along the way.

That’s why I believe the showing of love is so important for fathers. Because if we show our children that we love them every day that we can, they should ultimately forgive any mistake we made along the way, just as we should grant them the same forgiveness for their own mess-ups on the tumultuous road to adulthood. Of course, that’s no guarantee. I’ve seen and know of estrangements in families in which both sides clearly love one another but for whatever reason cannot bring themselves to heal the rifts that have driven them apart. As painful as that experience may be, I believe it’s never too late for parents and children to share their love with one another and let the chips fall where they may; the showing of love is always a good thing for the mind and soul, regardless of whether it effects any change in a relationship.

At the end of the day, love conquers all. As dads, we may not all have the same skills when it comes to teaching, molding or guiding our kids along life’s twists and turns, but we all have an infinite reservoir of love that we can tap and shower them with every chance we get. We just need the will to do so in a society that too often emphasizes toughness over vulnerability when it comes to manhood.

For my Mother’s Day post last month, I included a clip from the 1991 film classic “Boyz N the Hood” where Angela Bassett schools Laurence Fishburne on motherhood. To wrap up this post, I’m posting the following clip from the movie where Fishburne gives a master class in fatherhood. His character, Furious, is not a perfect man or father, but I think this scene perfectly embodies what I’ve tried to convey in this post about what it means to be a good father by showing our children love when they most need it.

Happy Father’s Day!